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I haven't updated
Feb. 20th, 2010 07:20 pmI haven't updated in a while. I don't know who reads this stupid thing anymore but that doesn't matter! This is a place for me to type whatever I want.
I wish there were some concerts playing nearby. I really want to go to a show or something to get my mind off things. Life is always such a bitch though, I doubt I'll ever be able to find something perfect. Though even if I did I don't have anyone to even go with. Fuck everything.
I took Widow for a walk earlier because the weather is finally getting nicer. It's still lonely, even with my dog.
I wish I had a boyfriend.
I wish there were some concerts playing nearby. I really want to go to a show or something to get my mind off things. Life is always such a bitch though, I doubt I'll ever be able to find something perfect. Though even if I did I don't have anyone to even go with. Fuck everything.
I took Widow for a walk earlier because the weather is finally getting nicer. It's still lonely, even with my dog.
I wish I had a boyfriend.
What do you do...
Jan. 25th, 2008 11:48 pmwhen the person whose opinion means the most to you tells you that your life has no meaning?
I want to fucking die.
Nov. 12th, 2007 04:28 pmWell what should have been a good day turned out to be a real shitter.
It started out with me seeing such sexiness and feeling so great, to suddenly everything I knew that made me happy was taken away.
My life sucks.
After lunch I had Mr. Toddrick's class and it seemed to go okay, he was a little nervous (which I found cute), but things quickly turned bad. When the class was over he asked me to stay after and he handed me a new schedule. I looked at it and immediately noticed his class wasn't on it. I asked him why and he said it was because I was failing.
I knew that wasn't the real reason, so when I kept asking him why he'd do something like that, he told me all the real reasons: because I had seen him in the bathroom and because I had asked to give him a blowjob. He said it was just a stupid crush again.
He kept trying to blow off my feelings and trying to make me out as some kind of stupid horny teenager.
I told him I loved him, and he said spending time away from him would make me get over it. I begged him not to do that to me. I begged him to let me stay in his class because its the only thing that means anything to me in my painful existence.
After I begged him enough he finally changed my schedule back, but then told me he wouldn't ever forgive me for what I did to him. It sucks. It sucks so bad.
Then when I got out to my car, some fucking retard had written something hurtful on the back window of my car. I just wanted to fucking die.
When I got home I tried to get it off but it wouldn't come off. I got really upset and angry and broke the back window of my car just to make the taunting words go away.
My dad heard something break in the driveway and came out to see I had broken my car window. He yelled at me, demanding to know why I did it. I told him someone had written something cruel on my window and I couldn't get it off, and I didn't want to see it there mocking me all the god damn time. He told me I overreacted and that I shouldn't have broken the stupid window. I told him I was either going to break the window or shoot the kid that did that shit to my car. He got so pissed off at me and hit me.
He just doesn't understand what it's like! If he had known what I had been through.
If he knew what it was like to be hated by the person that means the most to you in your life.
I wanna fucking throw myself from a cliff. Why are there no fucking cliffs around here?
It started out with me seeing such sexiness and feeling so great, to suddenly everything I knew that made me happy was taken away.
My life sucks.
After lunch I had Mr. Toddrick's class and it seemed to go okay, he was a little nervous (which I found cute), but things quickly turned bad. When the class was over he asked me to stay after and he handed me a new schedule. I looked at it and immediately noticed his class wasn't on it. I asked him why and he said it was because I was failing.
I knew that wasn't the real reason, so when I kept asking him why he'd do something like that, he told me all the real reasons: because I had seen him in the bathroom and because I had asked to give him a blowjob. He said it was just a stupid crush again.
He kept trying to blow off my feelings and trying to make me out as some kind of stupid horny teenager.
I told him I loved him, and he said spending time away from him would make me get over it. I begged him not to do that to me. I begged him to let me stay in his class because its the only thing that means anything to me in my painful existence.
After I begged him enough he finally changed my schedule back, but then told me he wouldn't ever forgive me for what I did to him. It sucks. It sucks so bad.
Then when I got out to my car, some fucking retard had written something hurtful on the back window of my car. I just wanted to fucking die.
When I got home I tried to get it off but it wouldn't come off. I got really upset and angry and broke the back window of my car just to make the taunting words go away.
My dad heard something break in the driveway and came out to see I had broken my car window. He yelled at me, demanding to know why I did it. I told him someone had written something cruel on my window and I couldn't get it off, and I didn't want to see it there mocking me all the god damn time. He told me I overreacted and that I shouldn't have broken the stupid window. I told him I was either going to break the window or shoot the kid that did that shit to my car. He got so pissed off at me and hit me.
He just doesn't understand what it's like! If he had known what I had been through.
If he knew what it was like to be hated by the person that means the most to you in your life.
I wanna fucking throw myself from a cliff. Why are there no fucking cliffs around here?
Today was awful.
Nov. 9th, 2007 09:24 pmAs the subject implies, today was just awful. I thought that after all this time of watching Mr. Toddrick from afar I'd finally go to talk to him, and tell him about how I feel. Damn... I was stupid.
I went to his class after school, I walked in, feeling really nervous. He was there and asked me what was up, and if I was there for my grade. I said I was, that I really wanted to do good in his class, really wanted to pass. He told me I could if I just made up some of my work and took my remake tests.
I waited for a few more seconds before I finally said it.
I mean, I had been hearing rumors around that he was gay, and he seems pretty gay to me.
I asked him if he would give me an A if I gave him a blowjob. He blew me off like I wasn't being serious, but when I pressed him saying I was serious he just laughed it off. He said it was stupid, and that I was just a kid with a crush. He told me to get over it. He told me that I was too young for him. I'm not too young! I'm not a kid! I'm very mature... I just don't get it.
I knew this would happen! I hate my fucking life.
I went to his class after school, I walked in, feeling really nervous. He was there and asked me what was up, and if I was there for my grade. I said I was, that I really wanted to do good in his class, really wanted to pass. He told me I could if I just made up some of my work and took my remake tests.
I waited for a few more seconds before I finally said it.
I mean, I had been hearing rumors around that he was gay, and he seems pretty gay to me.
I asked him if he would give me an A if I gave him a blowjob. He blew me off like I wasn't being serious, but when I pressed him saying I was serious he just laughed it off. He said it was stupid, and that I was just a kid with a crush. He told me to get over it. He told me that I was too young for him. I'm not too young! I'm not a kid! I'm very mature... I just don't get it.
I knew this would happen! I hate my fucking life.
Its been a while
Jun. 26th, 2007 02:04 amIts been a while since I felt this way. Last time things didn't turn out so good, and I'm afraid this time is only going to lead to pain as well.
Life really hurts. It hurts.
I think I'm in love with Mr. Toddrick. He's just so amazing. I don't even know how to describe him to you, or how he makes me feel. I want to get to know him better but I'm too afraid to talk to him. I'm so scared. I wouldn't be able to handle him rejecting me.
I want to tell him how I feel, but its so scary.
Going to class is going to be a lot more painful again. As I sit in class, silent, wanting to say something, but the words just won't come.
I wonder if anyone else has ever been in my situation and had it come out where they weren't rejected.
You know, I don't even know if he's gay or not.
This sucks.
Life really hurts. It hurts.
I think I'm in love with Mr. Toddrick. He's just so amazing. I don't even know how to describe him to you, or how he makes me feel. I want to get to know him better but I'm too afraid to talk to him. I'm so scared. I wouldn't be able to handle him rejecting me.
I want to tell him how I feel, but its so scary.
Going to class is going to be a lot more painful again. As I sit in class, silent, wanting to say something, but the words just won't come.
I wonder if anyone else has ever been in my situation and had it come out where they weren't rejected.
You know, I don't even know if he's gay or not.
This sucks.
Life feels good in the dead of night.
Jun. 24th, 2007 11:51 pmI really like staying up late. My stupid parents are always bugging me to get enough sleep for school. Man, night time is so peaceful though. I love the night time so much better than the day time. It's colder outside, it's darker outside, everything feel so much more natural when there isn't a bunch of cars powering down the streets.
I stepped out for a walk with Widow earlier. It was so nice outside. I got some inspiration for some new art to work on. I hope to get them done by this week. When I feel the cold, sometimes I think about what it feels like to be dying.
I mean, when your body slowly loses blood, people say they start feeling colder. I really want to know what that feels like. I bet it's relaxing. Man I love the cold.
Widow likes it too, she's so great. If I didn't have her around I don't know what I'd do.
I stepped out for a walk with Widow earlier. It was so nice outside. I got some inspiration for some new art to work on. I hope to get them done by this week. When I feel the cold, sometimes I think about what it feels like to be dying.
I mean, when your body slowly loses blood, people say they start feeling colder. I really want to know what that feels like. I bet it's relaxing. Man I love the cold.
Widow likes it too, she's so great. If I didn't have her around I don't know what I'd do.
School Updates.
Jun. 23rd, 2007 08:46 pmSo school is still as rough as ever. Today some bastard stole my notebooks and tore out all the stories and poetry I had written. He read one of them out loud to his stupid neanderthal friend and they laughed at me and called me a faggot.
I hate that word, I hate being called it. You can call me gay, or homosexual, but not faggot. I can't stand the hate that comes with it. God damn it, I want to punch those losers in the face. I wish I wasn't so fucking weak and helpless. I'd make those jerks pay for what they did.
I really wish they had not have ruined all that work of mine. I worked so hard on it, they just don't understand how hard I worked on it!
I hate school.
I hate people.
Why are people such assholes?
I'm going to go sit with my dog. She's the only one that understands me.
I hate that word, I hate being called it. You can call me gay, or homosexual, but not faggot. I can't stand the hate that comes with it. God damn it, I want to punch those losers in the face. I wish I wasn't so fucking weak and helpless. I'd make those jerks pay for what they did.
I really wish they had not have ruined all that work of mine. I worked so hard on it, they just don't understand how hard I worked on it!
I hate school.
I hate people.
Why are people such assholes?
I'm going to go sit with my dog. She's the only one that understands me.
Yea, I was gone awhile. I'm so sorry.
As you can tell from my last entry, my stupid parents took away my internet. But I got it back now. I kept trying to tell them how important this is to my well being but they're just as cold as ever. They don't understand it, they don't get it. They think school is something I should enjoy going to, they think I should take part in the school activities.
What the hell do they know about life anyway?
As you can tell from my last entry, my stupid parents took away my internet. But I got it back now. I kept trying to tell them how important this is to my well being but they're just as cold as ever. They don't understand it, they don't get it. They think school is something I should enjoy going to, they think I should take part in the school activities.
What the hell do they know about life anyway?
It's so unfair.
Jun. 1st, 2007 09:55 pmI can't believe this. My parents got my report card in the mail today, it was just the pre-quarter mail out of the grades we have. I'm failing two of my classes because they are hard! I'm not good in math or science!
But of course they don't understand. They just think I'm spending too much time on the computer or something. They don't understand that this computer is my only source of happiness! If I can't go on the internet to talk to the only people that care about me, what good will my life be?
I'd be even more pointless than I am already. This fucking sucks.
They were talking about taking away my internet for a few weeks. They cant!! I'll die! I can't lose my internet! I need it!
So for now, I don't know what's going to happen. I'll try to talk to them some more, but they're pretty much assholes and just like to do things to ruin my life. So if I'm gone for a few weeks, well, you all know why.
But of course they don't understand. They just think I'm spending too much time on the computer or something. They don't understand that this computer is my only source of happiness! If I can't go on the internet to talk to the only people that care about me, what good will my life be?
I'd be even more pointless than I am already. This fucking sucks.
They were talking about taking away my internet for a few weeks. They cant!! I'll die! I can't lose my internet! I need it!
So for now, I don't know what's going to happen. I'll try to talk to them some more, but they're pretty much assholes and just like to do things to ruin my life. So if I'm gone for a few weeks, well, you all know why.
So I just got out of school for today. I was a little surprised to not find anything on my car when I came out. It must mean something good is going to come.
Anyway, I just had that new class I mentioned earlier. It was so cool! I really like Mr. Toddrick. He has an interesting teaching style and he's really easy to follow when he gives directions.
Plus, he is pretty attractive. I think I'm going to really enjoy this class.
I can't believe it. This might actually make going to school less monotonous.
Anyway, I just had that new class I mentioned earlier. It was so cool! I really like Mr. Toddrick. He has an interesting teaching style and he's really easy to follow when he gives directions.
Plus, he is pretty attractive. I think I'm going to really enjoy this class.
I can't believe it. This might actually make going to school less monotonous.
New Schedule...
May. 31st, 2007 12:24 pmHey, today I noticed one of the new teachers on campus. He's pretty sexy. I heard he was teaching psychology. At least it isn't calculus or something.
I asked someone about him and they said his name was Mr. Toddrick. I swear, he's so awesome. Anyway, I went to the office and went about trying to get my schedule changed to get into psychology. At first they said no, but then I told them that I needed that class and they let me in.
I haven't had the class yet, but I'll let you know how it goes. I'm always excited to see how the new teachers are.
I asked someone about him and they said his name was Mr. Toddrick. I swear, he's so awesome. Anyway, I went to the office and went about trying to get my schedule changed to get into psychology. At first they said no, but then I told them that I needed that class and they let me in.
I haven't had the class yet, but I'll let you know how it goes. I'm always excited to see how the new teachers are.
School sucks.
May. 30th, 2007 03:06 pmI hate school. It is all about belittling everyone and making them feel like worthless shits.
Today the same guys that like to shove me around were doing it again. What a surprise. They just hate me for no reason, they don't even care to know me. No one cares.
People really suck.
Today the same guys that like to shove me around were doing it again. What a surprise. They just hate me for no reason, they don't even care to know me. No one cares.
People really suck.
